


Take Me To The Place Where The Hearts Grow

by geckoholic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-14
Updated: 2011-08-14
Packaged: 2017-10-22 15:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/239409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>You pretend you don't stare, and he pretends he doesn't see.</em> - Sam/Dean, set mostly during the Pilot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take Me To The Place Where The Hearts Grow

**Author's Note:**

> For nitro26's birthday. Which was several weeks ago... At least I'm posting it in the same year? Ahem. Also, sort of not what I usually write. Second person POV, and probably, uh, almost schmoopy? A little? For my standard, anyway? IDEK. *hands* She gave me several prompts to choose from, and I went with "on the road". 
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderful akintay. ♥ All remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Title is from "The Garden Of Growing Hearts" by Empty Trash.

It feels surreal. You look at him, same way as four years ago and all those years before, and it hits you like a train: how beautiful he is, how much you love him. Sometimes you think you were born to do this; to sit here beside him in his car and study his profile while you both pretend.

You pretend you don't stare, and he pretends he doesn't see.

He used to be your whole world, before. There was a time when you couldn't imagine being separated. All your thoughts and all your longing, all you ever thought about was. He filled all your senses, always close, always there.

Then it dawned on you that you loved your brother in ways that you shouldn't. And you knew that there was no way you could change that as along as you were around him, so tangled up in him that sometimes, the lines between the two of you threatened to blur.

The worst thing about it was knowing that, had you started something, he'd have gone along regardless of whether or not he'd felt the same way. You ask, he gives - that's always been how things were between you. It's who Dean is.

But you couldn't take _that_ without knowing for sure that it would be given willingly, so you left, and a part of your heart stayed behind with him. You love Jess, you do, but she had never possessed all of you like he did.

Like he _does_.

Four years, and nothing's changed. You still get dizzy when you're close enough to breathe his scent in, lightheaded from being that close, too close, all the time. The two of you stopped having boundaries around the time he turned sixteen and you turned twelve - or maybe you never had any and that's just when you stopped caring, no concept of personal space whatsoever.

It's not even physical. You don't imagine how his skin would feel under your hand, warm and hot, you don't jerk off imagining how his expression looks when he comes, relaxed and flushed with pleasure. It's not that you'd turn down the chance to experience either of these things, but that's not the point of what you feel for him. You just love him, all of him, in any way a person could ever love someone.

And though it's all you can do to not scream all this into his face after four years of missing him, you won't say a word. But as you look at him while he looks out of the windshield you're pretty sure he knows anyway.

  


  


  
He thinks you don't know about it, what he feels. But you do. You see it - you did before and you do now.

If nothing else, it's obvious in the way he stares. When you look at him directly, he's always reading something or fiddling with his cell phone or looking at the road ahead, but out of the corner of your eye you catch him stealing glances. Sometimes, his eyes linger a little longer and when he realizes it, he frowns a little and looks away. But he'll do it again, soon after, as if he just can't help himself.

It freaked you out, way back then. When it first occurred to you that the look in your brother's eyes when he stared at you wasn't quite childish hero worship anymore but something close to heat, you panicked. It had to have been your fault. You must have planted something in his head, his heart, that gave him the wrong idea.

For a little while, you tried to back off, but physical contact was was such an essential part of how you acted around each other that withholding it turned out to be impossible. You tried, hesitated and froze when your first instinct was to touch, to reassure or sooth or calm, but you couldn't quite stop yourself.

Besides, now that the thought had been planted in your head, it began to take root. You started to lose track of all the reasons why it was wrong and horrible and fucked up. The way the two of you were raised, you'd already broken so many rules and crossed so many lines, what was one more?

And then he was gone.

You blamed yourself for that, too, even though you weren't sure if it had been resisting or considering to give in that had sent Sam running. In fact, you spent years - four of them - poring over that very question, and to no avail.

Him being here now, by your side where he might or might not belong, doesn't bring you any closer to answering it. It's just a couple of days before he's going back to his college life and his girlfriend and _normal_ , and you've got no right to take that from him. He's not yours anymore, he never really was, and he deserves to get what he wants. What's right for him.

  
***

  
Three days later, normal and right goes up in flames, and three weeks after that, you kiss him by the roadside.

You eat hot dogs that you picked up at some diner and that have long-since gotten cold, and when you're both done and wiping your fingers, you lean in and press your lips to his. He's puzzled for a moment, freezes, mumbles "Dean" and "You sure?", and when you nod, he kisses you back like it's the only thing that keeps him alive.

It's a long kiss, deep but lazy and unhurried, and when you part, it's you who finally feels alive again, for the first time in what feels like forever.


End file.
